This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy! **Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!   Archives << current   Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com

Forwards I found amusing!   Tuesday, April 12, 2005   The following is supposedly an actual question given on a Universit of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some varient. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul get to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a memeber of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of soulds in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possiblities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I'm sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." This student recieved the ONLY "A" 11:32 PM Wednesday, March 02, 2005   Dear Employees : As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental use, we are forced to cut down on personnel. Under a new plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be place into effect immediately. The program will be know as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees may also request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED only once, and SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel?s Early Severance), or he/she may elect to get the CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependent or Spouse) in which case you?re on your own. As HERPES and CLAP are considered part of our premium benefits plan, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who will be staying on board, that we will certainly continue our program of employee development through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We are delighted to know that we have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. However, if any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive as much SHIT as you can stand. Once again, thanks for all your years of service with our company. The Management 12:43 PM Monday, October 18, 2004   I don't want another pretty face I don't want just anyone to hold I don't want my love to go to waste I want you and your beautiful soul You're the one I want to chase You're the one I want to hold I won't let another minute go to waste I want you and your beautiful soul I know that you are something special To you I'd be always faithful I want to be what you always needed Then I hope you'll see the heart in me You might need time to think it over But I'm just fine moving forward I'll ease your mind If you give me the chance I will never make you cry, c'mon let's try Am I crazy for wanting you Baby do you think you could want me too I don't waste your time Do you see things the way I do I just want to know that you feel it too There is nothing left to hide 10:16 AM Saturday, August 21, 2004   Anger Management>> >>> >>> > When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to >> > take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take>> > it out on someone you don't know ...........>> >>> > I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd >> > forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man >> > answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I >> > please speak with Robin Carter?">> >>> > Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that >> > anyone could be so rude.>> >>> > I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.>> > I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After >> > hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. >> > When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!">> > and hung up.>> >>> > I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put>> > it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying >> > bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an>> > asshole!" It always cheered me up.>> >>> > When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'>> > calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, >> > this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see >> > if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and>> > slammed down the phone.>> >>> > I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an >> > asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a >> > parking spot Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the>> > spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd>> > been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For >> > Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.>> >>> > A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I >> > had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the >> > BMW asshole, too.>> >>> > I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?">> >>> >>> > "Yes, it is.">> >>> > "Can you tell me where I can see it?">> >>> > "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the>> > car's parked right out in front.">> >>> > "What's your name?" I asked.>> >>> > "My name is Don Hansen," he said.>> >>> > "When's a good time to catch you, Don?">> >>> > "I'm home every evening after five">> >>> > "Listen,Don, can I tell you something?">> >>> > "Yes?">> >>> > "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to >> > my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes >> > to call.>> >>> > But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as>> > it>>>> > used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.>> >>> > "Hello.">> >>> > "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)>> >>> > "Are you still there?" he asked.>> >>> > "Yeah," I said.>> >>> > "Stop calling me," he screamed.>> >>> > "Make me," I said.>> >>> > "Who are you?" he asked.>> >>> > "My name is Don Hansen.">> >>> > "Yeah? Where do you live?">> >>> > "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my >> > black Beamer parked in front.">> >>> > He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start >> > saying your prayers.">> >>> > I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole.">> >>> > Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.>> >>> > "Hello, asshole," I said.>> >>> > He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...">> >>> > "You'll what?" I said.>> >>> > "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.>> >>> > I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over >> > right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, >> > saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my >> > way over there to kill my gay lover.>> >>> > Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West>> > 34th Street.>> >>> > I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I >> > saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six>> > squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.>> >>> > NOW I feel much better. Anger Management really works. > > Welfare Office> >> >> > >>>A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches> > >>straight up to the> > >>>counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing> > >>welfare. I'd really> > >>>rather have a job."> > >>>> > >>>The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing> > >>is excellent. We> > >>>just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who> > >>wants a> > >>>chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.> > >>You'll have to drive> > >>>around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your> > >>clothes. Because of> > >>>the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be> > >>expected to escort her on> > >>>her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom> > >>apartment above the> > >>>garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".> > >>>> > >>>The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"> > >>>> > >>>The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it." Things gotcha Down?Are ya havin' a Bad Day????Well, then, consider this...............................In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed,on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medicalcondition.This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do withthe supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deathsoccurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts wasassembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of thedoctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselveswhat the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding woodencrosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sundaysweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he coulduse the vacuum cleaner. _________________________________ Having a Bad Day????The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Oil spill inAlaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensivelysaved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers andapplause from onlookers.A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. _________________________________Still think you are having a Bad Day????A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waisttowards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadlycurrent, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm intwo places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to hisWalkman. _________________________________STILL think you're having a Bad Day??Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs toa slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs brokeloose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.The two helpless protesters were trampled to death._________________________________What?? STILL having a Bad Day????Iraqi terrorist Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. Itcame back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was thebomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.There now, feeling better???? 8:34 PM Tuesday, August 10, 2004   A teacher in a small Texas town asks her class how many of them are Bushfans.Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by theteacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy, Johnny.The teacher asks Johnny why he had decided to be different.Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"Johnny says, "I'm a John Kerry fan."The teacher asks why he's a John Kerry fan.The boy says, "Well, my mom's a John Kerry fan, and my Dad's a JohnKerry fan, so I'm a John Kerry fan!"The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "Whatif your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that makeyou?"Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan." ********* He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you'vegot nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wearpants don't you? He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa. He said . . .. What have you been doing with all thegrocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sidewaysand look in the mirror! On a wall in a ladies room . .. . "My husband followsme everywhere" Written just below it . . . " I do not" Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in theworld does it take to do the dishes?A. Both of them. Q. How does a man show that he is planning for thefuture?A. He buys two cases of beer. Q. What is the difference between men and governmentbonds?A. The bonds mature. Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?A. So men can remember them.Q. How many men does it take to change a roll oftoilet paper?A. We don't know; it has never happened.Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and good-looking?A. They already have boyfriends. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where herhusband is every night?A. A widow. Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridgeand go to bed. Married women come home, see what's inbed and go to the fridge. Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles barshave in common? A. They're married.Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman sobeautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."But God," the man says, "why did you make her sodumb?" God says: "So she would love you." ************ One blonde asked another:"Which is further, Ireland or the Moon?"The other replies:"HELLOOOOO, can you see Ireland from here?????!!!! A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic itdied. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. Shesays, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." Sheasks, "How often do I have to do that?" SPEEDING TICKETA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if hecould see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would getyour act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then todayyou expect me to show it to you!" RIVER WALKThere's this blonde out for a walk.. She comes to a river and sees anotherblonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to theother side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river andshouts back, "You ARE on the other side." KNITTINGA highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind thewheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lightsand siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn andyelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" IN A VACUUMA blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolledthe dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you arein a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought fora time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" FINAL EXAMThe blonde reported for her university final examination that consists ofyes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, staresat the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration,takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, markingthe answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hourshe is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.During the last few minute she is seen desperately throwing the coin,muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and askswhat is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'mrechecking my answers." FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting herblond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their nameswere. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one wasnamed Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs likethat?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blond "They're watch dogs." **********A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few >years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him >that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his >marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to >have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child >support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would >know when the baby is born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him >a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange >for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his >confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card >today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The >wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and >fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two >with meatballs, one without!" > The Redneck Love Poem>> SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;> SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.> SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL> SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.>> PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,> YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.> I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,> BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.>> SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE> AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,> BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,> HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.>> YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,> AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,> BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'> I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.>> BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,> JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.> MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.> YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY. 10:44 PM Thursday, July 29, 2004   Gotta love Holly... mass forwards in one day :) Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style." The contestants will start in Alabama; travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana.  Finally ending up back over in Alabama. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read:  I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees! Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder ,and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns! The first one that returns to Montgomery alive wins.   *********** A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT. TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK. I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!   ********************* This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for > >years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of> >farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his > >wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp forair. > > > >Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off > >because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and > >that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she > >was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. > > > >The years went by and he continued to rip them out! > > > >Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for > >dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl > >where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and > >all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the> >bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently> >pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of> >his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. > > > >Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual > >trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the > >sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife > >could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, > >tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got > >him back pretty good. > > > >About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his > >bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit > >her lip as she asked him what was the matter. > > > >He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned > >me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. > >"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my > >guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, > >some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in." > > > > ******************** Lucky MailmanIt was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying themailthrough all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived atthe first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there,whocongratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishinglures.At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful womanin a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him throughthe door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to thebedroom, where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had everexperienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixedhim a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, andfresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him acup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar billsticking out from under the cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's thedollar for?""Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be yourlast day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him whatto give you."He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."   ********************* Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story. While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.  This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1971, why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then the son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?" ********************** Two new elements have been added to the Periodic Table of theElements:1. Element Name: WOMANIUMSymbol: WOAtomic Weight: (Don't even go there)Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils atnothingand may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very Bitter ifnotused well.Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strongaffinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when leftalone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. 2. Element Name: MANIUMSymbol: XYAtomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out ofshape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a puresample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create electricity.Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with any WO any chance it canget.Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive whenmixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralizebysaturating with alcohol.Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are ableto produce large quantities on command.Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes andbegins to smell. ****************** 9:47 PM Wednesday, July 21, 2004   > > An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four inand ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.       The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied, "Athought. It pops  into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now yousir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm, let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."  "Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very  popular cliche for speed." As he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.   "Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the houseand on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, wayout across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in aninstant.    Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."  The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought  he had found his man.     "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.  "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."  "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.     "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the otherday I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could  think, blink or turn on the light, I'd shit my pants!"   He got the job. 8:32 PM Thursday, July 15, 2004   On My Own Les Miserables And now I'm all alone again Nowhere to turn, no one to go to Without a home, without a friend, Without a face to say hello to. And now the night is near Now I can make believe he's here. Sometimes I walk alone at night When everybody else is sleeping I think of him and then I'm happy With the company I'm keeping The city goes to bed And I can live inside my head. On my own Pretending he's beside me All alone, I walk with him till morning Without him I feel his arms around me And when I lose my way I close my eyes And he has found me In the rain the pavement shines like silver All the lights are misty in the river In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight And all I see is him and me for ever and forever And I know it's only in my mind That I'm talking to myself and not to him And although I know that he is blind Still I say, there's a way for us I love him But when the night is over He is gone, the river's just a river Without him the world around me changes The trees are bare and everywhere The streets are full of strangers I love him But every day I'm learning All my life I've only been pretending Without me his world will go on turning A world that's full of happiness That I have never known! I love him I love him I love him But only on my own. 12:07 AM Wednesday, July 14, 2004   Thirteen thoughts for the day 13. Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 12. Life is sexually transmitted. 11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 10. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 8. Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. 7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? 3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. And the number one thought for the day: You read about all these Terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. 9:48 PM Monday, July 05, 2004   Pecans In The Cemetery ====================== On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike. 11:54 PM Friday, June 04, 2004   Gotta love David's sense of humor. I'm not sure what I think of this one yet, but it made me think so way to go David!! ************ > > > >You gotta love Robin Williams... Leave it to Robin Williams to come up > >with the perfect plan . what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to > >stand up and repeat this message. > > > > > > > >Robin William's plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!) > > > >I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a > >plan for peace. So, here's one plan. > > > >1.) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in > >their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, > >Noriega, Milosevic and the rest of those 'good ole boys,' We will > >never "interfere" again. > > > >2.) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting > >with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want > >us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one > >sneaking through holes in the > >fence. > > > >3.) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and > >leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder > >will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who > >or where they are. France would welcome them. > > > >4.) All ! future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 > >days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation > >would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself > >and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. > >We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers. > > > >5.) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the > >bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back > >home baby. > > > >6.) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient > >energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of > >energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan > >wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while. > > > >7.) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a > >barrel! for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. > >They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a > >week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.) > > > >8.) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we > >will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, > >rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give > >them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most > >get very little, if anything. > > > >9.) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. > >We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, > >the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for > >illegal aliens. > > > >10.) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, > >no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language > >we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a > >winner of a plan. > > > >"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, > >your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and > >she's yelling, > >'You want a piece of me?'" 3:27 PM Wednesday, May 26, 2004   EVERYTIME Britney Spears (go ahead make fun of me!! I don't care!!) come notice me and take my hand so why are we strangers when our love is strong why carry on without me? and everytime i try to fly i fall without my wings i feel so small i guess i need you baby and everytime i see you in my dreams i see your face, it's haunting me i guess i need you baby i make believe that you are here it's the only way i see clear what have i done you seem to move on easy (chorus) i may have made it rain please forgive me my weakness caused you pain and this song is my sorry ohhhh at night i pray that soon your face will fade away (chorus) after all... after all... 5:49 AM Tuesday, May 25, 2004   Number One Idiot of 2003, reported by the med student I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride. =============================== Number Two Idiot of 2003 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run. =========================================== Number Three Idiot of 2003 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway. ============================================== Number Four Idiot of 2003 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about!) ============================================== Number Five Idiot of 2003 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign! ============================= Idiot Number Six of 2003 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself ---------------------------------------------- Idiot Number Seven of 2003 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign. ========================== Idiot Number Eight of 2003 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Sign please. 2:27 AM Wednesday, April 14, 2004   Cat- The other dark meat 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if >holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of >cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right >hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth >and swallow. > > 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in >left arm and repeat process. > > 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. > > 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding near >paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of >mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. > > 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call >spouse from garden. > > 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and >rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head >firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down >ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. > > 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. >Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered >figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. > > 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just >visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth >open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. > > 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to >take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from >carpet with cold water and soap. > > 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another >beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head >showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with >elastic band. > > 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. > Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold >compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply >whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back > another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. > > 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. > Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. > Take last pill from foil wrap. > > 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine >and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves >from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. >Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water > down throat to wash pill down. > > 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the >emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and >removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to >order new table. > > 15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local >pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. > > How To Give Your Dog A Pill: > > 1. Wrap in bacon. > > 2. Toss it in the air. > 1:58 AM   Maroon 5 This Love I was so high I did not recognize The fire burning in her eyes The chaos that controlled my mind Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane Never to return again But always in my heart This love has taken its toll on me She said Goodbye too many times before And her heart is breaking in front of me I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore I tried my best to feed her appetite Keep her coming every night So hard to keep her satisfied Kept playing love like it was just a game Pretending to feel the same Then turn around and leave again This love has taken its toll on me She said Goodbye too many times before And her heart is breaking in front of me I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore I'll fix these broken things Repair your broken wings And make sure everything's alright My pressure on her hips Sinking my fingertips Into every inch of you Cause I know that's what you want me to do 1:53 AM   My Immortal by Evanescence © 2003 Wind-Up Records my immortal i'm so tired of being here suppressed by all of my childish fears and if you have to leave i wish that you would just leave because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone these wounds won't seem to heal this pain is just too real there's just too much that time cannot erase when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears and i've held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me you used to captivate me by your resonating light but now i'm bound by the life you left behind your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams your voice it chased away all the sanity in me these wounds won't seem to heal this pain is just too real there's just too much that time cannot erase when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears and i've held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone and though you're still with me i've been alone all along 1:51 AM   Outkast-The Way You Move Boom, boom, boom Heh, heh Big Boi: Ready for action, nip it in the butt We never relaxin', Outkast is everlastin' Not clashin', not at all but see my n***a went to do a little acting Now that's for anyone askin' give me one pass 'em Drip drip drop there goes an eargasm Now you cumin' out the side of your face We tapping right into your memory banks (Thanks!) So flickle the tickle let's see your seat belt fastened Trunk rattlin' like two midgets in the back seat wrasling Speakerbox vibrate the tank, make it sound like aluminum cans in the back But I know y'all wanted the 808 can you feel that B-A-S-S, bass But I know y'all wanted the 808 can you feel that B-A-S-S, bass CHORUS I like the waaaay you move I like the waaaay you move (Whoo-o-o!) I love the waaaay you move I love the way, I love the way I love the waaaay you move I love the waaaay you move (Whoo-o-o!) I love the waaaay you move I love the way, I love the way Big Boi: Then the whole room fell silent (Shhhhh!) The girls all pause with glee, turning left turning right hardly looking at me But I was looking at them, there, there on the dance floor Now they got me in the middle feeling like a man wh*** Specially the big gurl, big gurls need love too no discrimination So keep your hands off my cheeks, and let me study how you ride the beat You big freak! Skinny, slim women got the ghetto within them You can f*** them, lift them, bend them, give them something to remember Hail out timber when you fall through the chop shop Take a deep breath and exhale your ex male friend, boyfriend was boring as hell Now let me listen to the stories you tell and we can make moves like a person in jail On the loco CHORUS Sleepy Brown Heeeey baby, girl don't you stop Come on baby dance on the top of me You so fine (you so fine) you so fine You drive me outta my mind (my mind, outta my mind!) Oooh If I could I would, just be with yooou baaaaby Ooooooooh Cause you like me and excite me and you know you gotta leave baby!! Oooooo! I like the waaay you move (I like the way you move) I like the waaay you move (Ooo you so sexy baaby!) (Whoo-o-o!) I love the waaay you move I love the way, I love the way (Whoo-o-o!) I love the waaay you move (I like the way you move) I love the waay you move (Ooo you so sexy baaby!) (Whoo-o-o!) I love the waaay you move I love the way, I love the way I like the waaay you move I like the waaay you move (Whoo-o-o!) I love the waaay you move I love the way, I love the way I love the waaay you move I love the waaay you move (Whoo-o-o!) I love the waaay you move I love the way, I love the way 1:51 AM   Life is not as difficult as people think; all one needs is a good set of rules. Since it is probably too late for you, here are some guidelines to pass along to your children. 1. Relax and take it easy. Don't get caught up in hollow conceits such as "doing something with your life." Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment. 2. Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don't ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced. 3. Size people up quickly, and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to "know" people, you're asking for trouble. 4. Don't fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated. It is a transparently narcissistic approach, and may be the sign of a weak mind. 5. Spend as much time as you can pleading and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy. Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm. Remember, in the overall scheme, you count for very little. 6. Surround yourself with inferiors and losers. Not only will you look good by comparison, but they will look up to you, and that will make you feel better. 7. Don't buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has shortcomings; it's the surest way of undermining yourself. Remember, the really best people have no defects. If you're not perfect, something is wrong. 8. If by some off chance you do detect a few faults, first, accept the fact that you are probably deeply flawed. Then make a list of your faults and dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything. 9. Beware of intuition and gut instincts, they are completely unreliable. Instead, develop preconceived notions and don't waver unless someone tells you to. Then change your mind and adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know what they're talking about. 10. Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful. 11. Always remember, today doesn't count. Trying to make something out of today only robs you of precious time that could be spent daydreaming or resting up. 12. Try to dwell on the past. Think of all the mistakes you've made, and how much better it would be if you hadn't made them. Think of what you should have done, and blame yourself for not doing so. And don't go easy. Be really hard on yourself. 13. If by chance you make a fresh mistake, especially a costly one, try to repeat it a few times so you become familiar with it and can do it easily in the future. Write it down. Put it with your list of faults. 14. Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don't get sidetracked with some foolish "plan." 15. Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want. Don't be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about "responsibility." That's exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life. ~George Carlin~ www.georgecarlin.com 12:52 AM Thursday, December 11, 2003   Happy Holidays everyone!!!! :::: MY KIND OF XMAS FORWARD :::: Christmas Cookies MY KIND OF COOKIES. Here is how to make my favorite Christmas Cookies Ingredients: 1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar lemon juice 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups of dried fruit 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup! of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. CHERRY MISTMAS 4:09 PM Wednesday, November 05, 2003   If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be >worth $49.00 >With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. >With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. >If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) >one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent >deposit, you would have $214.00. >Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and >recycle. >This is my new retirement program, I call it my 401Keg program 10:19 PM Thursday, October 16, 2003   When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away immediately. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. Do not take *anything* from the dead. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions. 11:30 AM   >The Darwin Awards Are Out! > > > > > >First Place Candidate for this years Darwin Awards. > > > > > > > > > > > >When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim > > >during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James > > >Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the > > > >barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. > > >******************************************************** > > >And now, the honorable mentions: > > >The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat > > >cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim > > >to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent > > >out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine >out > > >and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. > > > > > >******************************************************** > > > > > >A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car > > >during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a > > >woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. > > > > > >******************************************************** > > > > > >After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver > > >found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting > > >from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his > > >incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered > > >everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers > > >to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very > > > >excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't > > >discovered for 3 days. > > > > > >************************************************************** > > > > > >An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from > > >serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how > > >he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was >simply > > >trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train > > >before he was hit. > > > > > > > > >******************************************************** > > > > > >A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the > > >counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, > > > >the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, > > >which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the > > >clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount > > > >of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you > > >and gives you money, was a crime committed?) > > > > > >******************************************************** > > > > > >Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided > > >that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, > > >grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it > > > >over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit > > >the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the > > >liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught > > > >on videotape. > > > > > >******************************************************** > > > > > >The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a > > >Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and > > >demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't > > >open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered > > >onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The > > > >man, frustrated, walked away. > > > > > >******************************************************** > > > > > >A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! > > > > > >When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a > > > >Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police > > >arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor > > >home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man > > >admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into > > > >the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle > > >declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd > > >ever had. 9:49 AM Tuesday, October 07, 2003   Mr. Big : Just take my heart It's late at night and neither one of us is sleeping I can't imagine living my life after you're gone Wondering why so many questions have no answers I keep on searching for the reason why we went wrong Where is our yesterday You and i could use it right now But if this is goodbye Just take my heart when you go I don't have the need for it anymore I'll always love you, but you're hard to hold Just take my heart when you go Here we are about to take the final step now I just can't fool myself, i know there's no turing back Face to face it's been endless conversation But when the love is gone you're left with nothing but talk I'd give my everything If only i could turn you around But if this is goodbye Just take my heart when you go I don't have the need for it anymore I'll always love you but you're hard to hold Just take my heart when you go 9:22 PM   Eagles : I can't tell you why. Look at us baby, up all night Tearing our love apart Aren't we the same two people who live Through years in the dark? Ahh... Every time i try to walk away Something makes me turn around and stay And i can't tell you why When we get crazy, It just ain't to right, (try to keep you head, little girl) Girl, i get lonely, too You don't have to worry Just hold on tight (don't get caught in your little world) 'cause i love you Nothing's wrong as far as i can see We make it harder than it has to be And i can't tell you why No, baby, i can't tell you why I can't tell you why No, no, baby, i can't tell you why I can't tell you why I can't tell you why 9:21 PM Wednesday, September 17, 2003   Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in >   waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht >   the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. >   The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. >   Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but >   the wrod as a wlohe. > >   Fcuknig amzanig huh? 12:36 PM Tuesday, September 16, 2003   Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?" "Yes, Bubba, that is true." Bubba asked, "And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, Mister Lawyer?" "Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?" "Cause I was thinkin' maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with." 11:41 AM Thursday, September 11, 2003   1. NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 3. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. 4. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 5. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 6. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 7. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 8. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 9. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. 10. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 11. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 12. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. AND FINALLY..... A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws" 11:46 AM Wednesday, September 10, 2003   Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically > challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin'" yet. This is an excerpt > from a Wall Street Journal article: > > 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to > "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking > where the "Any" key is. > > 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse > was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned > out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. > > 3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his > computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the > technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper > by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the > "Send" key. > > 4. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard > no longer wo rked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with > soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing > all the keys and washing them individually. > > 5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was > enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an > invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and > "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. > > 6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. > He told the technician that the computer had said it couldn't > find the printer. The user had also tried turning the computer > screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" > the printer. > > 7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't > get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the > computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened > when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed > and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot > pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. > > 8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand > new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the > unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for > something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed > the power button, she asked, "What power button?" > > 9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang > for support.. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to > put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When > it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The > user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1 > first. > > 10. A story from a Novel NetWire SysOp: > CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" > TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" > CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my > warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" > TECH : "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" > CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." > TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I > am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade > show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark > on it?" > CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a > promotional.. It just has 4X on it." > At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he > couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been > using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and > snapped it off the drive. > > 11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her > printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under > windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. > But that is a good point. The girl sitting in the cubicle next > to me is under a window and her printer is working fine." > > 12. And last but not least: > T ECH SUPPORT: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys > at the same time. That brings up a task list in the > middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the > Program Manager." > CUSTOMER: "I don't have a P." > TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob." > CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?" > TECH SUPPORT: "P, on your keyboard, Bob." > CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that." > > ___________________________________________ 12:16 PM   Charles Schultz Quiz > > I don't know if Charles Schultz actually authored this little ditty > attributed to him, however, I agree wholeheartedly with it. > > Subject: Charles Schultz's Philosophy > You don't actually have to take the quiz. Just read the email straight > through, and you'll get the point (an awesome one) that it is trying to > make! > > Here's the quiz: > 1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world. > 2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners. > 3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest. > 4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize. > 5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and > actress. > 6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners. > > How did you do? > The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are > no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the > applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and > certificates are buried with their owners. > > Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one: > 1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school. > 2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time. > 3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile. > 4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special. > 5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with. > 6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you. > > Easier? > The lesson: > The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the > most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. > > They are the ones that care. > > Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life. > "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. > It's already tomorrow in Australia." > ----- Charles Schultz 10:27 AM Monday, September 08, 2003   Highlands Ranch Barbie: This princess Barbie is only > sold at the Park Meadows Mall. She comes with an > assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog > and a cookie cutter house. Options include tummy tuck, > face lift and a workaholic Ken. > > Englewood Barbie: > This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the > Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, > and has no full time occupation or secondary > education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. > Optional matching gym outfit. > > Colfax Barbie: > This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, > a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with > oversized wheels and tinted windows and a Meth Lab > Ken. Also available in a Mexican version. > > Cherry Creek Barbie: > This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports > car or a souped up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit > card and shallow Ken. > > Commerce City Barbie: This white-trash model comes in > Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, > big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank, Jr. CD > set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's ass > when she's drunk. A pickup is available with > Confederate flag bumper stickers. > > Aspen Barbie: > This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie still has > not learned that you can't wear a leopard print ski > outfit without looking passe, even if you are actually > skiing. > > Boulder Barbie: This Barbie actually comes in two > variations. One has long gray hair and archless feet, > sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. The > other version has frizzy hair, a dingy white tanktop, > low cut jeans and scratch-n-sniff armpits. > > Brighton Barbie: > This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie still has > not learned that you can't wear high-heeled sandals > from Payless with no pedicure and without breaking a > heel and falling while you chase your beer-gutted, > hollow gold-chain wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is > dark red lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly pink > color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes > low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored > G-strings that stick out the back of her jeans, a > white barely there see-through shirt. Her long, > layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG. > Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi, > rusty old Ford pick up. > > Texas Transplant Barbie: > This bitch of a Barbie comes with a Ford SUV (Texas > plates), a knife to stab other Barbies in the back, > and tons of makeup. Carnivore Ken sold separately. > > 16th Street Mall AKA Downtown Barbie: > This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was > released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark > polyester skirt, white pantyhose and a bad haircut. > Options include a Bronco's shirt, Walmart purse and > outdated shoes. 3:32 PM Thursday, September 04, 2003   I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just Fine!" And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over to your place after awhile?" Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!" Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions 11:24 AM   There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about it. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies. 9:21 AM Thursday, August 21, 2003   ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE >>>>APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG >>>>WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. >>>> >>>> >>>>HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, >>>>"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, >>>>ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED >>>>TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. >>>> >>>> >>>>BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, >>>>HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK >>>>"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY." >>>> >>>> >>>>MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL >>>>REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. >>>> >>>> >>>>HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY >>>>IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. >>>> >>>> >>>>OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED >>>>ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, >>>>MR. GORSKY"STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG >>>>ALWAYS JUST SMILED. >>>> >>>> >>>>ON JULY 5, 1995, >>>>IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING >>>>QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER >>>>BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO >>>>ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. >>>> >>>> >>>>MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG >>>>FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION. >>>> >>>> >>>>IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL >>>>MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL >>>>WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. >>>> >>>> >>>>HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS >>>>NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. >>>> >>>> >>>>HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. >>>> >>>> >>>>AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, >>>>YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING >>>>AT MR. GORSKY. >>>> >>>> >>>>"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN >>>>THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!" >>>> >>>> >>>>TRUE STORY. 4:05 PM Monday, August 18, 2003   HOW TO GET RID OF THAT STRESS! Just in case you've had a rough week, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts and yoga books. The funny thing is that it really works. It's short, just 7 steps, so read it all even if you're feeling too stressed. 1. Picture yourself next to a stream. (Can you hear it bubbling?) 2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. 3. No one but you knows your secret place.. 4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world." You can breathe the clean, fresh, cool air ....in and out...in and out... deeply breathing. 5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 6. The water is crystal clear. 7. You can barely make out the face of the person you're holding underwater. 10:18 AM   1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, > Someone to love. After meeting you... > (inside card) > I changed my mind. > >2. I must admit, You brought > religion into my life... > (inside card) > I never believed in Hell > Until I met you. > >3. As the days go by, > I think how lucky I am... > (inside card) > That you're not here > To ruin it for me. > >4. Congratulations on your promotion. > Before you go... > (inside card) > Will you take the knife from my back? > You'll probably need it again. > >5. Someday I hope to marry... > (inside card) > Someone other than you. > >6. Happy birthday! > You look great for your age... > (inside card) > Almost lifelike! > >7. When we were together, > You said you'd die for me... > (inside card) > Now we've broken up, > I think it's time to keep your promise. > >8. We've been friends for a very long time... > (inside card) > What do you say we stop? > >9. I'm so miserable without you... > (inside card) > It's almost like you're still here. > >10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... > (inside card) > Did you ever find out who the father was? > >11. You are such a good friend > If we were on a sinking ship > And there was only one life jacket... > (inside card) > I'd miss you terribly > And think of you often. > >12. Your friends and I wanted > to do something really special > for your birthday... > (inside card) > So we're having you put to sleep. > >13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! > (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia) > >14. Looking back over the years > We've been together, > I can't help but wonder... > (inside card) > What was I thinking? > >15. Congratulations on your wedding day!... > (inside card) > Too bad no one likes your husband. > >16. How could two people as beautiful as you... > (inside card) > Have such an ugly baby? 10:17 AM Thursday, July 17, 2003   > Rules > > You always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are "The > Rules" from the male side. These are our rules! > > Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! > > 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put > it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us > complaining about you leaving it down. > > 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it > that way. > > 1. Crying is blackmail. > > 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do > not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just > say it! > > 1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every > question. > > 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.. That's > what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. > > 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. > > 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In > fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. > > 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect > us to act like soap opera guys. > > 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. > > 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the > ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. > > 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it > done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it > yourself. > > 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during > commercials. > > 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. > > 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. > Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.. > We have no idea what mauve is. > > 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. > > 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like > nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the > hassle. > > 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer > you don't want to hear. > > 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. > Really. > > 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to > discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster > trucks. > > 1. You have enough clothes. > > 1. You have too many shoes. > > 1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape. > > Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch > tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that; it's like > camping. > > > _____ 2:29 PM   CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY > > > >COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY > > > >A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She > noticed the man > >opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately > moved to another > >seat. > > > >This time the smile turned into a grin, so she > moved again. The man > >seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the > man burst out > >laughing, she complained to the driver and he had > the man arrested. > > > >The case came up in court. The judge asked the man > (about 20 years > >old) what he had to say for himself. > > > >The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like > this: When the lady > >got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her > condition. She sat > >under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are > coming" and I > >grinned. > >Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, > "Logan's Liniment > >will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then > she placed > >herself under a sign that said, "William's Big > Stick Did the > >Trick", and I could > >hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she > moved the fourth > >time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear > Rubber could have > >prevented this Accident"...I just lost it. > > > >"CASE DISMISSED!!" 2:17 PM Wednesday, July 02, 2003   CUTE ONE LINERS 1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates ... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. >You never know what's going to burn your ass. 2) I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again. 5) I don't have an attitude problem ... you have a perception problem. 6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling? 7) My reality check bounced. 8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 9) I don't suffer from stress ... I am a carrier! 10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through Peanut butter. 11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo. 12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. 13) Be careful ... a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. 14) Don't be irreplaceable ... if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted. 15) The more Shit you put up with, the more Shit you are going to get. 16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! 18) Ring bell for maid service ... if no answer, do it yourself! 19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. 20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 21) I'd live life in the fast lane but I am married to a speed bump. 23) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it! 24) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap! 10:40 AM