This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Cat- The other dark meat
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if
>holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of
>cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right
>hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat
to close mouth
>and swallow.
>
> 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in
>left arm and repeat process.
>
> 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
away.
>
> 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm, holding near
>paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of
>mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
of ten.
>
> 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call
>spouse from garden.
>
> 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and
>rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold head
>firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill down
>ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
>
> 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap.
>Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered
>figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.
>
> 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just
>visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth
>open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
>
> 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to
>take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from
>carpet with cold water and soap.
>
> 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another
>beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to
leave head
>showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with
>elastic band.
>
> 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges.
> Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold
>compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply
>whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
> another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.
>
> 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
across the road.
> Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat.
> Take last pill from foil wrap.
>
> 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
with garden twine
>and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves
>from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece
of filet steak.
>Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water
> down throat to wash pill down.
>
> 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the
>emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers
and forearm and
>removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop
on way home to
>order new table.
>
> 15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local
>pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
>
> How To Give Your Dog A Pill:
>
> 1. Wrap in bacon.
>
> 2. Toss it in the air.
>
1:58 AM
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