This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Saturday, August 21, 2004
Anger Management>> >>> >>> > When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to >> > take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take>> > it out on someone you don't know ...........>> >>> > I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd >> > forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man >> > answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I >> > please speak with Robin Carter?">> >>> > Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that >> > anyone could be so rude.>> >>> > I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.>> > I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After >> > hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. >> > When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!">> > and hung up.>> >>> > I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put>> > it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying >> > bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an>> > asshole!" It always cheered me up.>> >>> > When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'>> > calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, >> > this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see >> > if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and>> > slammed down the phone.>> >>> > I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an >> > asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a >> > parking spot Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the>> > spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd>> > been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For >> > Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.>> >>> > A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I >> > had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the >> > BMW asshole, too.>> >>> > I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?">> >>> >>> > "Yes, it is.">> >>> > "Can you tell me where I can see it?">> >>> > "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the>> > car's parked right out in front.">> >>> > "What's your name?" I asked.>> >>> > "My name is Don Hansen," he said.>> >>> > "When's a good time to catch you, Don?">> >>> > "I'm home every evening after five">> >>> > "Listen,Don, can I tell you something?">> >>> > "Yes?">> >>> > "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to >> > my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes >> > to call.>> >>> > But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as>> > it>>>> > used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.>> >>> > "Hello.">> >>> > "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)>> >>> > "Are you still there?" he asked.>> >>> > "Yeah," I said.>> >>> > "Stop calling me," he screamed.>> >>> > "Make me," I said.>> >>> > "Who are you?" he asked.>> >>> > "My name is Don Hansen.">> >>> > "Yeah? Where do you live?">> >>> > "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my >> > black Beamer parked in front.">> >>> > He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start >> > saying your prayers.">> >>> > I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole.">> >>> > Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.>> >>> > "Hello, asshole," I said.>> >>> > He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...">> >>> > "You'll what?" I said.>> >>> > "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.>> >>> > I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over >> > right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, >> > saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my >> > way over there to kill my gay lover.>> >>> > Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West>> > 34th Street.>> >>> > I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I >> > saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six>> > squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.>> >>> > NOW I feel much better. Anger Management really works.
> > Welfare Office> >> >> > >>>A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches> > >>straight up to the> > >>>counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing> > >>welfare. I'd really> > >>>rather have a job."> > >>>> > >>>The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing> > >>is excellent. We> > >>>just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who> > >>wants a> > >>>chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.> > >>You'll have to drive> > >>>around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your> > >>clothes. Because of> > >>>the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be> > >>expected to escort her on> > >>>her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom> > >>apartment above the> > >>>garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".> > >>>> > >>>The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"> > >>>> > >>>The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Things gotcha Down?Are ya havin' a Bad Day????Well, then, consider this...............................In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed,on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medicalcondition.This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do withthe supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deathsoccurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts wasassembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of thedoctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselveswhat the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding woodencrosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sundaysweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he coulduse the vacuum cleaner.
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Having a Bad Day????The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Oil spill inAlaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensivelysaved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers andapplause from onlookers.A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_________________________________Still think you are having a Bad Day????A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waisttowards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadlycurrent, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm intwo places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to hisWalkman.
_________________________________STILL think you're having a Bad Day??Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs toa slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs brokeloose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.The two helpless protesters were trampled to death._________________________________What?? STILL having a Bad Day????Iraqi terrorist Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. Itcame back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was thebomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.There now, feeling better????
8:34 PM
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