This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Thursday, October 16, 2003
When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to
see if it's really dead.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was
once a church that was used for black masses, had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices
in your house move away immediately.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is
other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot
of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds
to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it
alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave,
tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out
that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your
life.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
Do not take *anything* from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason.
Take the hint and stay away.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
know what you are doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note
that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is
merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up
with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
possible.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in
trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any
small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns,
hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane
torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased
companions.
11:30 AM
>The Darwin Awards Are Out!
> > >
> > >First Place Candidate for this years Darwin Awards.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
> > >during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James
> > >Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the
>
> > >barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
> > >********************************************************
> > >And now, the honorable mentions:
> > >The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
> > >cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim
> > >to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent
> > >out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine
>out
> > >and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
> > >
> > >********************************************************
> > >
> > >A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
> > >during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
> > >woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
> > >
> > >********************************************************
> > >
> > >After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
> > >found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
> > >from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
> > >incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
> > >everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers
> > >to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
>
> > >excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
> > >discovered for 3 days.
> > >
> > >**************************************************************
> > >
> > >An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
> > >serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how
> > >he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was
>simply
> > >trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train
> > >before he was hit.
> > >
> > >
> > >********************************************************
> > >
> > >A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the
> > >counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
>
> > >the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register,
> > >which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the
> > >clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount
>
> > >of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you
> > >and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
> > >
> > >********************************************************
> > >
> > >Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
> > >that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
> > >grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
>
> > >over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit
> > >the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the
> > >liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught
>
> > >on videotape.
> > >
> > >********************************************************
> > >
> > >The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
> > >Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
> > >demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
> > >open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
> > >onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The
>
> > >man, frustrated, walked away.
> > >
> > >********************************************************
> > >
> > >A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
> > >
> > >When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
>
> > >Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
> > >arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor
> > >home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
> > >admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into
>
> > >the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
> > >declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd
> > >ever had.
9:49 AM
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Mr. Big : Just take my heart
It's late at night and neither one of us is sleeping
I can't imagine living my life after you're gone
Wondering why so many questions have no answers
I keep on searching for the reason why we went wrong
Where is our yesterday
You and i could use it right now
But if this is goodbye
Just take my heart when you go
I don't have the need for it anymore
I'll always love you, but you're hard to hold
Just take my heart when you go
Here we are about to take the final step now
I just can't fool myself, i know there's no turing back
Face to face it's been endless conversation
But when the love is gone you're left with nothing but talk
I'd give my everything
If only i could turn you around
But if this is goodbye
Just take my heart when you go
I don't have the need for it anymore
I'll always love you but you're hard to hold
Just take my heart when you go
9:22 PM
Eagles : I can't tell you why.
Look at us baby, up all night
Tearing our love apart
Aren't we the same two people who live
Through years in the dark?
Ahh...
Every time i try to walk away
Something makes me turn around and stay
And i can't tell you why
When we get crazy,
It just ain't to right,
(try to keep you head, little girl)
Girl, i get lonely, too
You don't have to worry
Just hold on tight
(don't get caught in your little world)
'cause i love you
Nothing's wrong as far as i can see
We make it harder than it has to be
And i can't tell you why
No, baby, i can't tell you why
I can't tell you why
No, no, baby, i can't tell you why
I can't tell you why
I can't tell you why
9:21 PM
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