This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
> waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
> the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
> The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
> Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but
> the wrod as a wlohe.
>
> Fcuknig amzanig huh?
12:36 PM
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it
true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get
cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that is true."
Bubba asked, "And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making
them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is
that true, Mister Lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin' maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women
I've been wakin' up with."
11:41 AM
Thursday, September 11, 2003
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
AND FINALLY..... A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"
11:46 AM
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically
> challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin'" yet. This is an excerpt
> from a Wall Street Journal article:
>
> 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
> "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking
> where the "Any" key is.
>
> 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
> was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned
> out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
>
> 3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
> computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the
> technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper
> by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the
> "Send" key.
>
> 4. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
> no longer wo rked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with
> soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing
> all the keys and washing them individually.
>
> 5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
> enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an
> invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and
> "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
>
> 6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents.
> He told the technician that the computer had said it couldn't
> find the printer. The user had also tried turning the computer
> screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see"
> the printer.
>
> 7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't
> get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the
> computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened
> when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed
> and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot
> pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
>
> 8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand
> new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
> unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
> something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
> the power button, she asked, "What power button?"
>
> 9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang
> for support.. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
> put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When
> it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The
> user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1
> first.
>
> 10. A story from a Novel NetWire SysOp:
> CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
> TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
> CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
> warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
> TECH : "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
> CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
> TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I
> am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade
> show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
> on it?"
> CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
> promotional.. It just has 4X on it."
> At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he
> couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
> using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and
> snapped it off the drive.
>
> 11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
> printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under
> windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door.
> But that is a good point. The girl sitting in the cubicle next
> to me is under a window and her printer is working fine."
>
> 12. And last but not least:
> T ECH SUPPORT: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys
> at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
> middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the
> Program Manager."
> CUSTOMER: "I don't have a P."
> TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
> CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
> TECH SUPPORT: "P, on your keyboard, Bob."
> CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that."
>
> ___________________________________________
12:16 PM
Charles Schultz Quiz
>
> I don't know if Charles Schultz actually authored this little ditty
> attributed to him, however, I agree wholeheartedly with it.
>
> Subject: Charles Schultz's Philosophy
> You don't actually have to take the quiz. Just read the email straight
> through, and you'll get the point (an awesome one) that it is trying to
> make!
>
> Here's the quiz:
> 1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
> 2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
> 3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
> 4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
> 5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and
> actress.
> 6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
>
> How did you do?
> The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are
> no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the
> applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and
> certificates are buried with their owners.
>
> Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
> 1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
> 2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
> 3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
> 4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
> 5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
> 6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
>
> Easier?
> The lesson:
> The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the
> most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.
>
> They are the ones that care.
>
> Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.
> "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
> It's already tomorrow in Australia."
> ----- Charles Schultz
10:27 AM
Monday, September 08, 2003
Highlands Ranch Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only
> sold at the Park Meadows Mall. She comes with an
> assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog
> and a cookie cutter house. Options include tummy tuck,
> face lift and a workaholic Ken.
>
> Englewood Barbie:
> This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the
> Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily,
> and has no full time occupation or secondary
> education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
> Optional matching gym outfit.
>
> Colfax Barbie:
> This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun,
> a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with
> oversized wheels and tinted windows and a Meth Lab
> Ken. Also available in a Mexican version.
>
> Cherry Creek Barbie:
> This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports
> car or a souped up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit
> card and shallow Ken.
>
> Commerce City Barbie:
This white-trash model comes in
> Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt,
> big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank, Jr. CD
> set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's ass
> when she's drunk. A pickup is available with
> Confederate flag bumper stickers.
>
> Aspen Barbie:
> This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie still has
> not learned that you can't wear a leopard print ski
> outfit without looking passe, even if you are actually
> skiing.
>
> Boulder Barbie: This Barbie actually comes in two
> variations. One has long gray hair and archless feet,
> sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. The
> other version has frizzy hair, a dingy white tanktop,
> low cut jeans and scratch-n-sniff armpits.
>
> Brighton Barbie:
> This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie still has
> not learned that you can't wear high-heeled sandals
> from Payless with no pedicure and without breaking a
> heel and falling while you chase your beer-gutted,
> hollow gold-chain wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is
> dark red lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly pink
> color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes
> low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored
> G-strings that stick out the back of her jeans, a
> white barely there see-through shirt. Her long,
> layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG.
> Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi,
> rusty old Ford pick up.
>
> Texas Transplant Barbie:
> This bitch of a Barbie comes with a Ford SUV (Texas
> plates), a knife to stab other Barbies in the back,
> and tons of makeup. Carnivore Ken sold separately.
>
> 16th Street Mall AKA Downtown Barbie:
> This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was
> released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark
> polyester skirt, white pantyhose and a bad haircut.
> Options include a Bronco's shirt, Walmart purse and
> outdated shoes.
3:32 PM
Thursday, September 04, 2003
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me,
so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over to your place after awhile?"
Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
11:24 AM
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old
woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her
husband never to open or ask her about it.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it
was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money
totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the
secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I
ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of
this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies.
9:21 AM
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