This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Thursday, July 17, 2003
> Rules
>
> You always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are "The
> Rules" from the male side. These are our rules!
>
> Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
>
> 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
> it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
> complaining about you leaving it down.
>
> 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
> that way.
>
> 1. Crying is blackmail.
>
> 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
> not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just
> say it!
>
> 1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
> question.
>
> 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.. That's
> what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
> 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
>
> 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
> fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
> 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect
> us to act like soap opera guys.
>
> 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
>
> 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
> ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
> 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
> done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
> yourself.
>
> 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
> commercials.
>
> 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
>
> 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
> Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit..
> We have no idea what mauve is.
>
> 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
>
> 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like
> nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
> hassle.
>
> 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
> you don't want to hear.
>
> 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
> Really.
>
> 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
> discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
> trucks.
>
> 1. You have enough clothes.
>
> 1. You have too many shoes.
>
> 1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
>
> Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
> tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that; it's like
> camping.
>
>
> _____
2:29 PM
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
> >
> >COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
> >
> >A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She
> noticed the man
> >opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately
> moved to another
> >seat.
> >
> >This time the smile turned into a grin, so she
> moved again. The man
> >seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the
> man burst out
> >laughing, she complained to the driver and he had
> the man arrested.
> >
> >The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
> (about 20 years
> >old) what he had to say for himself.
> >
> >The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like
> this: When the lady
> >got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
> condition. She sat
> >under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are
> coming" and I
> >grinned.
> >Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
> "Logan's Liniment
> >will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then
> she placed
> >herself under a sign that said, "William's Big
> Stick Did the
> >Trick", and I could
> >hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she
> moved the fourth
> >time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear
> Rubber could have
> >prevented this Accident"...I just lost it.
> >
> >"CASE DISMISSED!!"
2:17 PM
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
CUTE ONE LINERS
1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates ... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. >You never know what's going to burn your ass.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they
go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude problem ... you have a perception problem.
6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought
to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9) I don't suffer from stress ... I am a carrier!
10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through Peanut butter.
11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat
you with experience.
13) Be careful ... a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in
the butt.
14) Don't be irreplaceable ... if you can't be replaced, you won't be
promoted.
15) The more Shit you put up with, the more Shit you are going to get.
16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
18) Ring bell for maid service ... if no answer, do it yourself!
19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.
21) I'd live life in the fast lane but I am married to a speed bump.
23) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to
work it!
24) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one
with bite marks on the cap!
10:40 AM
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