This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Saturday, August 21, 2004
Anger Management>> >>> >>> > When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to >> > take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take>> > it out on someone you don't know ...........>> >>> > I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd >> > forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man >> > answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I >> > please speak with Robin Carter?">> >>> > Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that >> > anyone could be so rude.>> >>> > I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.>> > I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After >> > hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. >> > When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!">> > and hung up.>> >>> > I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put>> > it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying >> > bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an>> > asshole!" It always cheered me up.>> >>> > When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'>> > calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, >> > this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see >> > if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and>> > slammed down the phone.>> >>> > I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an >> > asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a >> > parking spot Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the>> > spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd>> > been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For >> > Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.>> >>> > A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I >> > had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the >> > BMW asshole, too.>> >>> > I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?">> >>> >>> > "Yes, it is.">> >>> > "Can you tell me where I can see it?">> >>> > "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the>> > car's parked right out in front.">> >>> > "What's your name?" I asked.>> >>> > "My name is Don Hansen," he said.>> >>> > "When's a good time to catch you, Don?">> >>> > "I'm home every evening after five">> >>> > "Listen,Don, can I tell you something?">> >>> > "Yes?">> >>> > "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to >> > my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes >> > to call.>> >>> > But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as>> > it>>>> > used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.>> >>> > "Hello.">> >>> > "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)>> >>> > "Are you still there?" he asked.>> >>> > "Yeah," I said.>> >>> > "Stop calling me," he screamed.>> >>> > "Make me," I said.>> >>> > "Who are you?" he asked.>> >>> > "My name is Don Hansen.">> >>> > "Yeah? Where do you live?">> >>> > "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my >> > black Beamer parked in front.">> >>> > He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start >> > saying your prayers.">> >>> > I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole.">> >>> > Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.>> >>> > "Hello, asshole," I said.>> >>> > He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...">> >>> > "You'll what?" I said.>> >>> > "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.>> >>> > I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over >> > right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, >> > saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my >> > way over there to kill my gay lover.>> >>> > Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West>> > 34th Street.>> >>> > I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I >> > saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six>> > squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.>> >>> > NOW I feel much better. Anger Management really works.
> > Welfare Office> >> >> > >>>A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches> > >>straight up to the> > >>>counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing> > >>welfare. I'd really> > >>>rather have a job."> > >>>> > >>>The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing> > >>is excellent. We> > >>>just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who> > >>wants a> > >>>chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.> > >>You'll have to drive> > >>>around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your> > >>clothes. Because of> > >>>the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be> > >>expected to escort her on> > >>>her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom> > >>apartment above the> > >>>garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".> > >>>> > >>>The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"> > >>>> > >>>The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Things gotcha Down?Are ya havin' a Bad Day????Well, then, consider this...............................In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed,on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medicalcondition.This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do withthe supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deathsoccurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts wasassembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of thedoctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselveswhat the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding woodencrosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sundaysweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he coulduse the vacuum cleaner.
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Having a Bad Day????The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Oil spill inAlaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensivelysaved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers andapplause from onlookers.A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_________________________________Still think you are having a Bad Day????A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waisttowards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadlycurrent, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm intwo places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to hisWalkman.
_________________________________STILL think you're having a Bad Day??Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs toa slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs brokeloose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.The two helpless protesters were trampled to death._________________________________What?? STILL having a Bad Day????Iraqi terrorist Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. Itcame back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was thebomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.There now, feeling better????
8:34 PM
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
A teacher in a small Texas town asks her class how many of them are Bushfans.Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by theteacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy, Johnny.The teacher asks Johnny why he had decided to be different.Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"Johnny says, "I'm a John Kerry fan."The teacher asks why he's a John Kerry fan.The boy says, "Well, my mom's a John Kerry fan, and my Dad's a JohnKerry fan, so I'm a John Kerry fan!"The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "Whatif your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that makeyou?"Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
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He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you'vegot nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wearpants don't you?
He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all thegrocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sidewaysand look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room . .. . "My husband followsme everywhere" Written just below it . . . " I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in theworld does it take to do the dishes?A. Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for thefuture?A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and governmentbonds?A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?A. So men can remember them.Q. How many men does it take to change a roll oftoilet paper?A. We don't know; it has never happened.Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and good-looking?A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where herhusband is every night?A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridgeand go to bed. Married women come home, see what's inbed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles barshave in common? A. They're married.Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman sobeautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."But God," the man says, "why did you make her sodumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
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One blonde asked another:"Which is further, Ireland or the Moon?"The other replies:"HELLOOOOO, can you see Ireland from here?????!!!!
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic itdied. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. Shesays, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." Sheasks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKETA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if hecould see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would getyour act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then todayyou expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALKThere's this blonde out for a walk.. She comes to a river and sees anotherblonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to theother side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river andshouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTINGA highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind thewheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lightsand siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn andyelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
IN A VACUUMA blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolledthe dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you arein a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought fora time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINAL EXAMThe blonde reported for her university final examination that consists ofyes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, staresat the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration,takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, markingthe answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hourshe is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.During the last few minute she is seen desperately throwing the coin,muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and askswhat is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'mrechecking my answers."
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting herblond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their nameswere. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one wasnamed Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs likethat?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blond "They're watch dogs."
**********A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few
>years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
>that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his
>marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to
>have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child
>support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would
>know when the baby is born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him
>a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange
>for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
>confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card
>today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The
>wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
>fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two
>with meatballs, one without!"
>
The Redneck Love Poem>> SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;> SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.> SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL> SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.>> PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,> YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.> I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,> BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.>> SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE> AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,> BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,> HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.>> YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,> AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,> BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'> I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.>> BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,> JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.> MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.> YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
10:44 PM
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