This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Thursday, July 29, 2004
Gotta love Holly... mass forwards in one day :)
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style." The contestants will start in Alabama; travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana. Finally ending up back over in Alabama. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees! Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder ,and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns! The first one that returns to Montgomery alive wins.
***********
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS....................................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO....
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
*********************
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for > >years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of> >farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his > >wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp forair. > > > >Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off > >because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and > >that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she > >was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. > > > >The years went by and he continued to rip them out! > > > >Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for > >dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl > >where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and > >all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the> >bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently> >pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of> >his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. > > > >Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual > >trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the > >sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife > >could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, > >tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got > >him back pretty good. > > > >About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his > >bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit > >her lip as she asked him what was the matter. > > > >He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned > >me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. > >"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my > >guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, > >some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in." > > > >
********************
Lucky MailmanIt was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying themailthrough all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived atthe first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there,whocongratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishinglures.At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful womanin a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him throughthe door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to thebedroom, where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had everexperienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixedhim a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, andfresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him acup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar billsticking out from under the cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's thedollar for?""Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be yourlast day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him whatto give you."He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
*********************
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971, why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then the son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
**********************
Two new elements have been added to the Periodic Table of theElements:1. Element Name: WOMANIUMSymbol: WOAtomic Weight: (Don't even go there)Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils atnothingand may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very Bitter ifnotused well.Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strongaffinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when leftalone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
2. Element Name: MANIUMSymbol: XYAtomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out ofshape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a puresample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create electricity.Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with any WO any chance it canget.Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive whenmixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralizebysaturating with alcohol.Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are ableto produce large quantities on command.Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes andbegins to smell.
******************
9:47 PM
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
> > An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four inand ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied, "Athought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now yousir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm, let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed." As he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the houseand on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, wayout across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in aninstant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the otherday I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I'd shit my pants!" He got the job.
8:32 PM
Thursday, July 15, 2004
On My Own
Les Miserables
And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend,
Without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here.
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.
12:07 AM
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Thirteen thoughts for the day
13. Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
12. Life is sexually transmitted.
11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die.
10. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.
9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
8. Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down
the stairs.
7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I
have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the
first.
And the number one thought for the day:
You read about all these Terrorists - most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some as long as
10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late
with a video and those people are all over you.
I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
9:48 PM
Monday, July 05, 2004
Pecans In The Cemetery
======================
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan
tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,
and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one
boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode
off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I
heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up
the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to
walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the
cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one
for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they
peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the
Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead
of the boy on the bike.
11:54 PM
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