This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Cat- The other dark meat
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if
>holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of
>cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right
>hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat
to close mouth
>and swallow.
>
> 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in
>left arm and repeat process.
>
> 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
away.
>
> 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm, holding near
>paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of
>mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
of ten.
>
> 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call
>spouse from garden.
>
> 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and
>rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold head
>firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill down
>ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
>
> 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap.
>Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered
>figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.
>
> 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just
>visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth
>open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
>
> 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to
>take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from
>carpet with cold water and soap.
>
> 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another
>beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to
leave head
>showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with
>elastic band.
>
> 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges.
> Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold
>compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply
>whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
> another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.
>
> 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
across the road.
> Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat.
> Take last pill from foil wrap.
>
> 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
with garden twine
>and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves
>from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece
of filet steak.
>Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water
> down throat to wash pill down.
>
> 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the
>emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers
and forearm and
>removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop
on way home to
>order new table.
>
> 15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local
>pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
>
> How To Give Your Dog A Pill:
>
> 1. Wrap in bacon.
>
> 2. Toss it in the air.
>
1:58 AM
Maroon 5
This Love
I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind
Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart
This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore
I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied
Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again
This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore
I'll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings
And make sure everything's alright
My pressure on her hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that's what you want me to do
1:53 AM
My Immortal
by Evanescence © 2003 Wind-Up Records
my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along
1:51 AM
Outkast-The Way You Move
Boom, boom, boom
Heh, heh
Big Boi:
Ready for action, nip it in the butt
We never relaxin', Outkast is everlastin'
Not clashin', not at all but see my n***a went to do a little acting
Now that's for anyone askin' give me one pass 'em
Drip drip drop there goes an eargasm
Now you cumin' out the side of your face
We tapping right into your memory banks (Thanks!)
So flickle the tickle let's see your seat belt fastened
Trunk rattlin' like two midgets in the back seat wrasling
Speakerbox vibrate the tank, make it sound like aluminum cans in the back
But I know y'all wanted the 808 can you feel that B-A-S-S, bass
But I know y'all wanted the 808 can you feel that B-A-S-S, bass
CHORUS
I like the waaaay you move
I like the waaaay you move (Whoo-o-o!)
I love the waaaay you move
I love the way, I love the way
I love the waaaay you move
I love the waaaay you move (Whoo-o-o!)
I love the waaaay you move
I love the way, I love the way
Big Boi:
Then the whole room fell silent (Shhhhh!)
The girls all pause with glee, turning left turning right hardly looking at me
But I was looking at them, there, there on the dance floor
Now they got me in the middle feeling like a man wh***
Specially the big gurl, big gurls need love too no discrimination
So keep your hands off my cheeks, and let me study how you ride the beat
You big freak!
Skinny, slim women got the ghetto within them
You can f*** them, lift them, bend them, give them something to remember
Hail out timber when you fall through the chop shop
Take a deep breath and exhale your ex male friend, boyfriend was boring as hell
Now let me listen to the stories you tell and we can make moves like a person in jail
On the loco
CHORUS
Sleepy Brown
Heeeey baby, girl don't you stop
Come on baby dance on the top of me
You so fine (you so fine) you so fine
You drive me outta my mind (my mind, outta my mind!) Oooh
If I could I would, just be with yooou baaaaby
Ooooooooh Cause you like me and excite me and you know you gotta leave baby!!
Oooooo!
I like the waaay you move (I like the way you move)
I like the waaay you move (Ooo you so sexy baaby!) (Whoo-o-o!)
I love the waaay you move
I love the way, I love the way (Whoo-o-o!)
I love the waaay you move (I like the way you move)
I love the waay you move (Ooo you so sexy baaby!) (Whoo-o-o!)
I love the waaay you move
I love the way, I love the way
I like the waaay you move
I like the waaay you move (Whoo-o-o!)
I love the waaay you move
I love the way, I love the way
I love the waaay you move
I love the waaay you move (Whoo-o-o!)
I love the waaay you move
I love the way, I love the way
1:51 AM
Life is not as difficult as people think; all one needs is a good set of rules. Since it is probably too late for you, here are some guidelines to pass along to your children.
1. Relax and take it easy. Don't get caught up in hollow conceits such as "doing something with your life." Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment.
2. Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don't ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced.
3. Size people up quickly, and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to "know" people, you're asking for trouble.
4. Don't fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated. It is a transparently narcissistic approach, and may be the sign of a weak mind.
5. Spend as much time as you can pleading and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy. Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm. Remember, in the overall scheme, you count for very little.
6. Surround yourself with inferiors and losers. Not only will you look good by comparison, but they will look up to you, and that will make you feel better.
7. Don't buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has shortcomings; it's the surest way of undermining yourself. Remember, the really best people have no defects. If you're not perfect, something is wrong.
8. If by some off chance you do detect a few faults, first, accept the fact that you are probably deeply flawed. Then make a list of your faults and dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything.
9. Beware of intuition and gut instincts, they are completely unreliable. Instead, develop preconceived notions and don't waver unless someone tells you to. Then change your mind and adopt their point of view. But only if they seem to know what they're talking about.
10. Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful.
11. Always remember, today doesn't count. Trying to make something out of today only robs you of precious time that could be spent daydreaming or resting up.
12. Try to dwell on the past. Think of all the mistakes you've made, and how much better it would be if you hadn't made them. Think of what you should have done, and blame yourself for not doing so. And don't go easy. Be really hard on yourself.
13. If by chance you make a fresh mistake, especially a costly one, try to repeat it a few times so you become familiar with it and can do it easily in the future. Write it down. Put it with your list of faults.
14. Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you in trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don't get sidetracked with some foolish "plan."
15. Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want. Don't be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about "responsibility." That's exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life.
~George Carlin~
www.georgecarlin.com
12:52 AM
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