This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Monday, June 30, 2003
TOP 17 BUMPER STICKERS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE:
17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
15. The proctologist called...they found your head.
14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
"Everybody But Me."
7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be
out by itself.
2. Hang up and drive!!
AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER I'D LIKE TO SEE!!
1. Welcome to Canada...now speak English.
*****************
While I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't get a boyfriend, since his Dad ran off.
I told him the television is my new boyfriend, he entertains me all the time. And, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I just give it a few hard wacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm happy
as a lark for hours.
He was satisfied with the explanation and walked away.
Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery.
My son answered the door. The pastor smiled and asked "Is your Mom busy, son?"
My little one looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she is in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy as a fart for hours!"!
*************
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that
cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a
quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
************
George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk
>he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and George asks
>him what his name is.
>
>"Billy."
>
>"And what is your question, Billy?"
>
>"I have three questions: First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the
>support of the UN?; Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more
>votes?; and third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
>
>Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that
>they will continue after recess. When they resume George says "Okay,
>where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"
>
>A different little boy puts up his hand; George points him out and asks him
>what his name is.
>
>"Steve."
>
>"And what is your question, Steve?"
>
>"I have five questions: First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the
>support of the UN?; Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more
>votes?; Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?; Fourth - why did the
>recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"
*************
Betsy Sue Jim Bob's cousin Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty
> >bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best
> >friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
> > Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said,
> >'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, but lemme check somethin'. Roll him over.' So
> >the mortician rolled him over, and Daryl looked and said, 'Nope it ain't
> >Bubba.' The mortician thought that was rather strange.
> >
> > Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at
> >him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over'. The mortician
> >rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
> >
> > The mortician asked, 'How can you be so sure?' Gomer said, 'Well,
> >Bubba had two assholes.' 'What?? He had two assholes?' said the mortician.
> >'Yup, everyone in town knew he had 'em. Why, every time WE went to town,
> >folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.....'
********************
Not too often do you find a truly clean joke, but here
> >is one that has not one dirty word in it:
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the
> > woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.
> >
> > The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech
> > or a son of a birch?"
> >
> > The birch says he cannot tell.
> >
> > Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
> >
> > The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
> > Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a
> > birch?"
> >
> > The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He
> > replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a
> >birch.. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever
> > put my pecker in!"
> >
10:01 AM
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