This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Monday, June 30, 2003
TOP 17 BUMPER STICKERS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE:
17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
15. The proctologist called...they found your head.
14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
"Everybody But Me."
7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be
out by itself.
2. Hang up and drive!!
AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER I'D LIKE TO SEE!!
1. Welcome to Canada...now speak English.
*****************
While I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't get a boyfriend, since his Dad ran off.
I told him the television is my new boyfriend, he entertains me all the time. And, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I just give it a few hard wacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm happy
as a lark for hours.
He was satisfied with the explanation and walked away.
Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery.
My son answered the door. The pastor smiled and asked "Is your Mom busy, son?"
My little one looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she is in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy as a fart for hours!"!
*************
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that
cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a
quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
************
George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk
>he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and George asks
>him what his name is.
>
>"Billy."
>
>"And what is your question, Billy?"
>
>"I have three questions: First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the
>support of the UN?; Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more
>votes?; and third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
>
>Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that
>they will continue after recess. When they resume George says "Okay,
>where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"
>
>A different little boy puts up his hand; George points him out and asks him
>what his name is.
>
>"Steve."
>
>"And what is your question, Steve?"
>
>"I have five questions: First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the
>support of the UN?; Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more
>votes?; Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?; Fourth - why did the
>recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"
*************
Betsy Sue Jim Bob's cousin Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty
> >bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best
> >friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
> > Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said,
> >'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, but lemme check somethin'. Roll him over.' So
> >the mortician rolled him over, and Daryl looked and said, 'Nope it ain't
> >Bubba.' The mortician thought that was rather strange.
> >
> > Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at
> >him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over'. The mortician
> >rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
> >
> > The mortician asked, 'How can you be so sure?' Gomer said, 'Well,
> >Bubba had two assholes.' 'What?? He had two assholes?' said the mortician.
> >'Yup, everyone in town knew he had 'em. Why, every time WE went to town,
> >folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.....'
********************
Not too often do you find a truly clean joke, but here
> >is one that has not one dirty word in it:
> >
> > > > > >
> >
> > Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the
> > woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.
> >
> > The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech
> > or a son of a birch?"
> >
> > The birch says he cannot tell.
> >
> > Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
> >
> > The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
> > Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a
> > birch?"
> >
> > The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He
> > replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a
> >birch.. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever
> > put my pecker in!"
> >
10:01 AM
Monday, June 23, 2003
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
"Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now."It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my
appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
she inquires.
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe a microwave
pizza or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?"
He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."
Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
10:04 PM
Proof that the world is nuts!
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different
reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse
than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. ( I presume this was a big enough
problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who
volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is
that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hummm....I won't touch
THAT one!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From
drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like
that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do
you think they have bad breath?)
2:58 PM
Saturday, June 21, 2003
How to Shower Like a Woman
>
> 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
> laundry hamper
> according to lights and darks.
>
> 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If
> you see husband
> along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
> 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -
> make mental note to
> do more sit-ups
>
> 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
> cloth, long
> loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
>
> 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
> shampoo with 43 added
> vitamins.
>
> 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>
> 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
> conditioner enhanced
> with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15
> minutes.
>
> 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
> for 10 minutes
> until red.
>
> 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
> jaffa cake body
> wash.
>
> 10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
>
> 11. Shave armpits and legs.
>
> 12. Turn off shower.
>
> 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray
> mold spots with Tilex.
>
> 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a
> small country.
> Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>
> 15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
>
> 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
> towel on head.
>
> 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any
> exposed areas.
>
> How To Shower Like a Man
>
> 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
> bed and leave
> them in a pile.
>
> 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along
> the way, shake
> wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
>
> 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire
> the size of
> your wiener and scratch your ass.
>
> 4. Get in the shower.
>
> 5. Wash your face
>
> 6. Wash your armpits.
>
> 7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
> rinse them off.
>
> 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh
> at how loud they
> sound in the shower.
>
> 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and
> surrounding area.
>
> 10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
> stuck on the soap.
>
> 11. Shampoo your hair.
>
> 12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
>
> 13. Pee.
>
> 14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
>
> 15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor
> because curtain
> was hanging out of tub the whole time.
>
> 16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
>
> 17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
> light and fan on.
>
> 18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist.
> If you pass wife, pull
> off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
> 'woo-woo' sound again.
>
> 19. Throw wet towel on bed.
>
> If there is anyone one among you who did not laugh
> at the truth behind
> this
> email, there is something so very wrong with you.>
>
9:47 PM
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and at the appropriate
> > >point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.
> > >Something he will use to log on.
> > >
> > >The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
> > >shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
> > >
> > >So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
> > >obvious to his wife that he was keying in ....
> > >
> > >"P... E..... N... I... S."
> > >
> > >His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
9:45 PM
> > >CATHOLIC PARROTS
> > > > >
> > > > > A lady goes to her priest one day and tells
> > >him, "Father, I have
> > >problem.
> > > > I
> > > > > have two female parrots, but they only know
> > >how to say one thing."
> > > > >
> > > > > "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
> > > > >
> > > > > They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to
> > >have some fun?"
> > > > >
> > > > > "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then
> > >he thought for a moment.
> > > > >
> > > > > "You know," he said, "I may have a solution
> > >to your problem. I have two
> > > > > male
> > > > > talking parrots, which I have taught to pray
> > >and read the Bible. Bring
> > > > your
> > > > > two parrots over to my house, and we'll put
> > >them in the cage with
> > >Francis
> > > > > and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots
> > >to praise and worship, and
> > > > > your
> > > > > parrots are sure to stop saying .. . that
> > >phrase . . . in no time."
> > > > >
> > > > > "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may
> > >very well be the solution."
> > > > >
> > > > > The next day, she brought her female parrots
> > >to the priest's house.
> > > > >
> > > > > As he ushered her in, she saw that his two
> > >male parrots were inside
> > >their
> > > > > cage holding rosary beads and praying.
> > >Impressed, she walked over and
> > > > > placed
> > > > > her parrots in with them.
> > > > >
> > > > > After a few minutes, the female parrots cried
> > >out in unison: "Hi, we're
> > > > > hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
> > > > >
> > > > > There was stunned silence.
> > > > >
> > > > > Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
> > >other male parrot and
> > > > > exclaimed,
> > > > > "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have
> > >been answered."
10:42 AM
30 Years difference
>
>
>
>1972: Long hair
>2002: Longing for hair
>
>1972: The perfect high
>2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
>
>1972: KEG
>2002: EKG
>
>1972: Acid rock
>2002: Acid reflux
>
>1972: Moving to California because it's cool
>2002: Moving to California because it's warm
>
>1972: Growing pot
>2002: Growing pot belly
>
>1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>
>1972: Seeds and stems
>2002: Roughage
>
>1972: Killer weed
>2002: Weed killer
>
>1972: Hoping for a BMW
>2002: Hoping for a BM
>
>1972: The Grateful Dead
>2002: Dr. Kevorkian
>
>1972: Going to a new, hip joint
>2002: Receiving a new hip joint
>
>1972: Rolling Stones
>2002: Kidney Stones
>
>1972: Being called into the principal's office
>2002: Calling the principal's office
>
>1972: Screw the system
>2002: Upgrade the system
>
>1972: Disco
>2002: Costco
>
>1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
>2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
>
>1972: Passing the drivers' test
>2002: Passing the vision test
>
>1972: Whatever
>2002: Depends
>
>Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly
>change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts
>together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this
>year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
>
>The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born
>in 1983. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
>
>Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
>
>Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
>
>The CD was introduced the year they were born.
>
>They have always had an answering machine.
>
>They have always had cable.
>
>They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
>
>Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
>
>Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
>
>They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
>
>They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
>
>They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
>
>They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or
>"de plane Boss, de plane."
>
>They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
>
>McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
>
>They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
>
>Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies in your life.
>
>
>You know you are living in the year 2003 when:
>
>1 Your reason for not staying in touch with some family and friends is
> because they do not have e-mail.> >
>
>2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
>
>3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so
> she can create a screen saver.
>
>4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
> anyone is home.
>
>5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom
> of the screen.
>
>6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for
> half the price, or less than you paid for it.
>
>7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
> first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
>around to go get it.
>
>8. Using real money, instead of a credit or debit card, to make a
> purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
>
>9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
>
>10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
>
>11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
>
>12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
>
>13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
>
>14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
>
>15. You disconnect from the Internet and you get this awful feeling, as
> if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
>
>16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
>
>17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on
> your way back to bed.
>
>18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
>
>19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
>
>20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to!
10:39 AM
Friday, June 20, 2003
Last night as I lay sleeping
I died or so it seemed
Then I went to heaven
But only in my dream
Up there St Peter met me
Standing at the pearly gates
He said "I must check your record
Please stand here and wait."
He turned and said "your record
Is covered with terrible flaws
On earth I see you rallied
For every losing cause.
I see that you drank alcohol
And smoked and used drugs too
Fact is you're done everything
A good person should never do.
We can't have people like you up here
Your life was full of sin."
Then he read the last of my record
Took my hand and said,"come in."
He lead me up to the big boss and said
"Take him in and treat him well.
He used to work in a call centre
He's done his time in hell."
9:57 AM
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Oil Change Instructions For Women
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last Oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 20 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00 Oil Change Instructions For Men
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) Calendar.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00
-- But you know the job was done right
10:05 AM
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
10:01 AM
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Funnies!!!
>
>
>
>
>
> Friends don't let friends
> take home ugly women
> Men's restroom
> Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
>
>
> The best way to a man's heart
> is to saw his breast plate open.
> Women's restroom
> Murphy's,Champaign, IL
>
>
> Beauty is only a light switch away.
> Perkins Library,Duke University, Durham, NC
>
>
> I've decided that to raise my grades
> I must lower my standards.
> Houghton Library
> Harvard University, Cambridge, MA
>
>
> If life is a waste of time,
> and time is a waste of life,
> then let's all get wasted together
> and have the time of our lives.
> Armand's Pizza,Washington, DC
>
>
> Remember, it's not,
> "How high are you?"
> it's "Hi, how are you?"
> Rest stop off Route 81,West Virginia
>
>
> God made pot.
> Man made beer.
> Who do you trust?
> The Irish Times,Washington, DC
>
>
> Fighting for peace is like
> screwing for virginity.
> The Bayou,Baton Rouge, LO
>
>
> No matter how good she looks,
> some other guy is sick and tired
> of putting up with her crap.
> Men's Room
> Linda's Bar and Grill,Chapel Hill, NC
>
>
> To do is to be. - Descartes
> To be is to do. - Voltaire
> Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra
> Men's restroom
> Greasewood Flats,Scottsdale, AZ
>
>
> At the feast of ego
> everyone leaves hungry.
> Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea,Tucson, AZ
>
>
> It's hard to make a comeback
> when you haven't been anywhere.
> Written in the dirt on the back of a bus,
> Wickenburg, AZ
>
>
> Make love, not war.
> -Hell, do both
> GET MARRIED!
> Women's restroom
> The Filling Station,Bozeman, MO
>
>
> God is dead. - Nietzsche
> Nietzsche is dead. - God
> The Tombs Restaurant,Washington, DC
>
>
> If voting could really change things,
> it would be illegal.
> Revolution Books
> New York, New York.
>
>
> A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
> If it has tires or testicles,
> you're going to have trouble with it.
> Women's restroom
> Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
>
>
> If pro is opposite of con,
> then what is the opposite of progress?
> Congress!
> Men's restroom
> House of Representatives, Washington, DC
>
>
> Express Lane:
> Five beers or less
> Sign over one of the urinals
> Ed Debevic's,Phoenix, AZ
>
>
> You're too good for him.
> Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
> Ed Debevic's,Beverly Hills,CA.
>
>
> No wonder you always go home alone.
> Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
> Ed Debevic's,Beverly Hilis,CA
8:05 PM
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came
upon a large
raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other
side, but had no
idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God,
saying, "Please God,
give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he
was able to swim
across the river in about two hours, after almost
drowning a couple of
times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying,
"Please God,
give me the strength...and the tools to cross this
river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row
across the river
in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a
couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the
other two, so he
also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the
strength and the
tools...and the intelligence...to cross this river."
And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at
the map, hiked
upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across
the bridge.
2:09 PM
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the watertemperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.....Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June.
However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
* * * * * *
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
* * * * * *
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
* * * * * *
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
posed real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
* * * * * *
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying "dirt poor."
* * * * * *
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you
opened the door it would all start slipping outside.
A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "threshhold."
* * * * * *
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
* * * * * *
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon"
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat."
* * * * * *
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
* * * * * *
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
* * * * * *
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a "wake." Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
* * * * * *
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the"graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
* * * * * *
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! !
! Educate someone....Share these facts with a friend... >>
1:26 PM
Friday, June 13, 2003
Why did the chicken Cross the Road?
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
OPRAH
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n
1:58 PM
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Subject: smile...
EVER WONDER...
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows
98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid
is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND...
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication...(we
could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just
get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness...(and I'm taking this because???)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only...(as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use...(now, somebody out there, help me on
this. I'm a bit curious.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals...(was there a lot
of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity
and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a
chuckle). Ah heck, send it to EVERYONE. We all need to smile every once in
a while .
2:35 PM
BREAKFAST
> >
> > A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order,
> > he says "I want 3 flat
> > tires and a pair of headlights."
> >
> > The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to
> > the kitchen and asks
> > the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat
> > tires and a pair of
> > headlights. What does he think, this is an auto
> > parts store?"
> >
> > "No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes
> > and a pair of
> > headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."
> >
> > "Oh," says the waitress. The waitress thinks about
> > this and then she spoons
> > up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
> >
> > The guy says "What are the beans for?"
> >
> > The waitress replies "I thought while you were
> > waiting for the flat tires
> > and headlights, that you might want to gas up."
> >
******************
A high school teacher in Kentucky asked her students
to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm,
and we saw all
his
pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to
use the word
"fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to
See Rock City and
I
was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I
want the word
"fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
because Little
Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally
decided there was
no
way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she
called on him.
Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her
tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried
***************
Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been
>pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to
>the
>doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
>
>She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey,
>
>Bubba! You just had you a son! Aint dat grand!!"
>
>Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
>"Hold
>on! We ain't finished yet!"
>
>The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said,"Hey, Bubba! You got you
>a
>daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too...."
>
>Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we
>
>still ain't got done yet!"
>
>The doctor then delivered another boy and said,"Bubba, you just had
>yourself
>another boy!"
>
>When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down
>with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of
>Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"
>
>She said, "Yeah, I do."
>
>Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!!"
10:53 AM
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible
> >sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being
> >diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to
> >blister
>and
> >in agony.
> >
> >The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and
> >electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
> >
> >The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
> >
> >The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
>
10:29 AM
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.
> >
> >She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell
> >me
>how
>a
> >patient is doing?"
> >
> >The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and
> >room number?"
> >
> >The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Miss Holly Finkel
> >in
>room
> >302."
> >
> >The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say
>that
> >Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work
>just
>came
> >back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be
>discharged
> >on Tuesday."
> >
> >The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
>God
> >bless you for the good news."
> >
> >The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your
>daughter?"
> >
> >The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302.
> >Dr. Cohen doesn't tell me shit."
9:14 AM
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place, and they get undressed.
The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight.
She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up, and puts on
his little koala clothes.
The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion.
"Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks
at her and shrugs.
Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money."
I'm a hooker, and this is how I make a living."
The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes.
Then the hooker gets up, and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary,
and thumbs through it to "hooker."
She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: Person who has sex
for money."
Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the
door.
"KOALA BEAR: Eats bushes, and leaves."
10:36 AM
Sunday, June 08, 2003
IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, our phones went dead, and I had to contact the telephone repair
people. They promised to be out between 8AM and 7PM. When I asked if they
could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would
you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he
would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a phone line?).
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed
I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me
that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I
asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had
just signed on the receipt.. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She
carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As
luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign
on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars, and she didn't
want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce". He said he was sorry, but they
only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I
replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled
knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was
for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled,
she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the
company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun, we
should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each
other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. Manager of the year!
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.. As
I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side.." (Long day, hot sun?)
+ + :-P + +
6:39 PM
Can you answer this riddle?
Here is a pretty neat little thing from Paul Harvey. See if you can guess the riddle at the end.
Paul Harvey Writes:
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.
Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.
Send this to all of your friends. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them.
Paul Harvey RIDDLE:
When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.
What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?
If you know the answer please let me know... it's driving me mad.
6:39 PM
Thursday, June 05, 2003
The Vibrator
>
>
>
>As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange
>buzzing noise coming from within.
>
>Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout
>with a vibrator.
>
>Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
>
>
>
>The daughter replied,"Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this
>thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
>leave me alone."
>
>The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other
>side of the closed bedroom door.
>
>
>
>Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to
>her vibrator.
>
>To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm
>thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll
>ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
>
>A couple days later, the wife and daughter came home from a shopping trip,
>placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise
>coming from, of all places, the family room.
>
>
>
>They entered that area and observed the husband/father sitting on the
>couch, staring at the TV.
>
>The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
>
>The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
>
>The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
>
>
>
>
>
>
1:49 PM
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
> > > >
> > > >1. He called everyone "brother".
> > > >2. He liked Gospel
> > > > 3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
> > > >
> > > >But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
> > > >Jewish:
> > > >
> > > > 1. He went into His Father's business.
> > > >2. He lived at home until he was 33.
> > > >3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was
> > > >sure he was God.
> > > >
> > > >But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
> > > >Italian:
> > > >
> > > >1. He talked with his hands.
> > > >2. He had wine with every meal.
> > > >3. He used olive oil.
> > > >
> > > >But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
> > > >Californian:
> > > >
> > > >1. He never cut his hair.
> > > >2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
> > > >3. He started a new religion.
> > > >
> > > >But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
> > > >Irish:
> > > >
> > > >1. He never got married.
> > > >2. He was always telling stories.
> > > >3. He loved green pastures
> > > >
> > > >But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus
> > > >was a woman:
> > > >
> > > > 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no
> > > > food.
> > > > 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men
> > > >who just didn't get it
> > > >3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there
> > > > was more work to do
1:48 PM
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of
the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
1:48 PM
Monday, June 02, 2003
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a
year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The
same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you
sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday,
the Sex Ed class uses it.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They
named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other? A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast? They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A
southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get
another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A
southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
****************************************
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
>
>What makes 100%?
>
>What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
>
>Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
>
>We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
>100%.
>
>How about achieving 103%?
>
>Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
>questions:
>
>If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
>
>1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then:
>
>H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
>
>and, K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
>
>But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
>
>B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
>
>AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
>
>A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
>
>So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
>
>While, Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close,
>
>And,
>
>Attitude will get you there,
>
>Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
>
>
9:49 AM
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