This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
***************************************
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the
mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the
husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few
seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet
paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her
breasts. "How long will this take?", she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the
years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk
again....
***********************************
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought
for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother
if he'd
sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what
you learn from that. So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would
you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother
replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up
the house and send you
kids to a great college!" The boy then went to his sister and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl
replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a
heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?" The boy then went to his brother and
asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of
course," the brother replied.
"Do you know how much a million could buy?" The boy pondered this for
a while, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find
out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy
replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars,
but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."
*********************************
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........
"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!
**************************************
A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump.
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed
her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
**************************************
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed
> something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know
> you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
> Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at
> it.
>
> Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know
> where my hearing aid is."
> **********************************************
> An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
> standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
> and washed the old woman overboard.
>
> They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the
> old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon
> as they found something.
>
> Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It
> read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom
> of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was
> an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise."
>
> The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
***************************
Blonde Genies
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two rather ditsy blonde genies appear and tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. He notices crunching under his feet and looking down, he realizes the entire floor is covered in $100.00 bills.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, "I don't get it... I can understand the first wish, having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But... WHY he'd want to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"
************************
> >>One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his
house.
> >>
> >>His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the
> >>mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front
yard.
> >>
> >>The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
> >>
> >>Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been
> >>knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
> >>
> >>In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the
> >>family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
> >>
> >>In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on
the
> >>counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the
> >>table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
> >>
> >>He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
> >>clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that
> >>something serious had happened.
> >>
> >>He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her
> >>pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how
his
> >>day went.
> >>
> >>He looked at her bewildered and asked,"What happened here today?"
> >>
> >>She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from
> >>work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
> >>
> >>"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
> >>
> >>She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
2:50 PM
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