This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Friday, May 23, 2003
>A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel
>manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at
>8:00 AM.
>
>The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's
>door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this
>new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is
>backing up.
>
>
>The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to
>show him the problem.
>
> Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the
>line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the
>Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little
>piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the
>little package between Elmo's legs.
>
>The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several
>minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says,
>"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give
>Elmo two test tickles."
9:48 AM
Sunday, May 18, 2003
Subject: Fw: STORY WITH A MORAL
>
>
>A woman and a man were involved in a car accident; a bad one. Both of
>their cars were totally demolished but amazingly neither of them were hurt.
>
>
>
>After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So you're a man.
>That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
>nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
>should meet and be friends and live together for the rest of our days."
>
>
>
>Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This
>must be a sign from God!"
>
>
>
>The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
>completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
>wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
>
>
>
>Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded in agreement, opened
>it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman
>took the bottle, put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
>
>
>
>The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
>
>
>
>The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
>
>
>
>MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
*************************************
Happy Feet
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you
would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man. "
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, h
e got this wild look inhis eyes. . . something his wife hadn't seen in many
years! !
In the blink of aneye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently
over a table,
yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold
of the Jamaican's hips.The Jamaican then began screaming,
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! !
YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! ! !"
11:59 AM
Thursday, May 15, 2003
Subject: Hamsters. If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "! come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,"she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they hey could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....
er....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just... just... Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Mental picture of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........Priceless!
12:12 PM
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
***************************************
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the
mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the
husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few
seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet
paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her
breasts. "How long will this take?", she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the
years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk
again....
***********************************
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought
for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother
if he'd
sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what
you learn from that. So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would
you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother
replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up
the house and send you
kids to a great college!" The boy then went to his sister and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl
replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a
heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?" The boy then went to his brother and
asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of
course," the brother replied.
"Do you know how much a million could buy?" The boy pondered this for
a while, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find
out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy
replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars,
but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."
*********************************
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........
"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!
**************************************
A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump.
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed
her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
**************************************
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed
> something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know
> you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
> Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at
> it.
>
> Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know
> where my hearing aid is."
> **********************************************
> An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
> standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
> and washed the old woman overboard.
>
> They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the
> old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon
> as they found something.
>
> Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It
> read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom
> of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was
> an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise."
>
> The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
***************************
Blonde Genies
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two rather ditsy blonde genies appear and tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. He notices crunching under his feet and looking down, he realizes the entire floor is covered in $100.00 bills.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, "I don't get it... I can understand the first wish, having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But... WHY he'd want to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"
************************
> >>One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his
house.
> >>
> >>His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the
> >>mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front
yard.
> >>
> >>The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
> >>
> >>Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been
> >>knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
> >>
> >>In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the
> >>family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
> >>
> >>In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on
the
> >>counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the
> >>table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
> >>
> >>He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
> >>clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that
> >>something serious had happened.
> >>
> >>He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her
> >>pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how
his
> >>day went.
> >>
> >>He looked at her bewildered and asked,"What happened here today?"
> >>
> >>She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from
> >>work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
> >>
> >>"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
> >>
> >>She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
2:50 PM
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
1.. I do physical labor.
2.. I work at great depths.
3.. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4.. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5.. I work in a damp environment.
6.. I don't get paid overtime.
7.. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
8.. I work in high temperatures.
9.. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, The Penis
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised
the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
1.. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2.. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods. You do
not always
follow the orders of the management team.
3.. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting
other locations.
4.. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in
order to start working.
5.. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift.
6.. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such
as wearing
the correct protective clothing.
7.. You will retire well before you are 65.
8.. You are unable to work double shifts.
9.. You sometimes leave your designated work before you have
completed the
assigned task.
10.. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering, and
exiting, the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
10:44 AM
Friday, May 09, 2003
Twin sisters in St.Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The
editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take
pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the
sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
10:10 AM
Thursday, May 08, 2003
Ok I actually from Colorado, so obviously this poem does very little for me, but nonetheless I still thought it was cool. It comes from my friend from the South, David, in Louisiana. I met him down in New Zealand (waaaay south) and even though you vanished for like 2 years and didn't call, it's all good cause you're back :). So here's to you David :) love ya!!!
I'll take the South...
Ahhh, The South. I love it. Could never leave it. 90 degrees already, humid,
fire ants, people wearing shorts who have no business wearing shorts....Really,
in all honesty, i could never leave The South. With all it's negative points,
I'll take it. Give me sweet tea. Give me slow, Southern drawls like my friend
Troy has. Give me pecan pie (and for Pete's sake, pronounce it right! It isn't
"pee-can", it's "puh-khan".) I want those great phrases like " fixin' to" and
"y'all come back". I like that "Coke" is a generic term in The South and could
mean any number of carbonated beverages. I love that real Southern-bred women
wouldn't be caught dead outside the house without makeup on and their hair done.
Give me the red squirrels - not the brown or black ones. I want my fair share of
spicy, boiled crawfish, fried catfish, okra, gumbo and fried green tomatoes. I
take pride in being able to throw out quotes from "Gone With the Wind", and
"Steele Magnolias". I used to want distinguishable seasons, but who cares?? I'll
take 100 degree, 90 % humidity summer days and 2 weeks of "winter" anytime.
Azealias, crepe myrtles, magnolias, mamaw, papaw, front porch rockin' chairs,
General Lee, the Gulf of Mexico, saying, "hey" and smiling at people you don't
even know... As a kid i snickered at the bumper stickers that said "American by
birth, Southern by the grace of God". Now at the ripe old age of 32, I believe
it.
5:13 PM
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying next to each other, outside the
>operating room.
>The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
>The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
>nervous."
>The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when
>I was four.
>They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and
>ice cream. It's a breeze."
>The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
>The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
>The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was
>born. Couldn't walk for a year."
***********************************
The boss of a big company, needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?", he asked. "Yes", whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME"
5:11 PM
Saturday, May 03, 2003
HOW TO BATHE A CAT
> ===================
>
> 1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
>
> 2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
>
> 3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
>
> 4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on
top,
> so cat cannot escape.
>
> 5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from
> inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
>
> 6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite
> effective.
>
> 7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible
and
> quickly lift both lids.
>
> 8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air
> dry.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> The Dog
11:58 PM
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