This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Friday, March 14, 2003
cute cute funny funny website
http://www.netlaughter.com/splish/splish.cfm
1:02 PM
The boss of Stone Marketing called a spontaneous staff meeting in the
middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the
employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out
staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule
was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written
for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra.
Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top
Ten List. After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week
went very well for everyone. The top ten:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!
9 Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs...
12:45 PM
Thursday, March 13, 2003
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
gross.
11:34 AM
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHLE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
*************************************************************
Man Shoots Laptop
George Doughty a 48-year-old from Lafayette, Colorado, was
working in an office when he walked next door into the bar he
owned and announced to patrons that he was going to shoot his
laptop computer, local newspapers said.
Mr Doughty then reportedly warned customers to cover their
ears, before shooting the laptop four times.
He later hung the hapless computer on his bar wall in the style of
a hunting trophy, police said.
Local police said that the only similar case they had seen before
involved a computer shot with a rifle by a man whose wife had
claimed it in a divorce settlement.
"It's sort of funny, because everybody always threatens their
computers," police officer from the Lafayette police department
Rick Bashor told local newspapers.
"[But] it's the first time someone shot a computer because he
was upset with it."
Police added that because Mr Doughty put customers and the
bartender in danger, he was arrested on suspicion of felony
menacing, reckless endangerment and prohibited use of
weapons, before being released to appear in court on a later
date.
Mr Doughty admitted in police reports that he should not have
shot his laptop, but said that at the time it had seemed
appropriate.
11:39 AM
Thursday, March 06, 2003
THE UNITED AIRLINE'S PASSENGER CABIN WAS BEING SERVED BY AN OBVIOUSLY GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT WHO SEEMED TO PUT EVERYONE INTO A GOOD MOOD AS HE SERVED THEM FOOD AND DRINKS. AS THE PLANE PREPARED TO DESCEND, HE CAME SWISHING DOWN THE AISLE IN FIRST CLASS AND ANNOUNCED TO THE PASSENGERS, "CAPTAIN MARVEY HAS ASKED ME TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE'LL BE LANDING THE BIG SCARY PLANE SHORTLY, LOVELY PEOPLE, SO IF YOU COULD JUST PUT UP YOUR TRAYS THAT WOULD BE SUPER".
ON HIS TRIP BACK UP THE AISLE, HE NOTICED THAT A WELL DRESSED, RATHER EXOTIC LOOKING MIDDLE EASTERN WOMAN HADN'T MOVED A MUSCLE. "PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME OVER THOSE BIG BRUTE ENGINES. I ASKED YOU TO RAISE YOUR TRAZY-POO SO THE MAIN MAN CAN PITTY-PAT US ON THE GROUND".
SHE CALMLY TURNED HER HEAD AND SAID, "IN MY COUNTRY, I AM CALLED A PRINCESS. I TAKE ORDERS FROM NO ONE".
TO WHICH THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT REPLIED, WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, "WELL, SWEET-CHEEKS, IN MY COUNTRY, I'M CALLED A QUEEN, SO I OUTRANK YOU. PUT THE TRAY UP, BITCH".
10:04 AM
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
1. How Do You Catch A Unique bird? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch A Tame bird? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
3:47 PM
Monday, March 03, 2003
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr ******, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???
**************************************
A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS,
excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron
or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit
dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the
Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by
having a little fun with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his
obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you
do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the
crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back
to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo
balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to
the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " .and about once a year,
they send us a little prick like you."
*************************************************
There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little boy said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation and he said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young boy looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top of it!"
10:55 AM
Ok, here's the real deal horoscope straight from me to you, for all those who really don't care~
Right down your answers on a piece of paper, cause if you're anything like me you won't remember them 2 seconds after you say them. The answers on the bottom, so no temptation to cheat will come upon ya! Have fun! You know that three letter word, starts with F.
1. Write down the name of the person you love.
2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green or yellow?
3. What is your last initial?
4. What month were you born in?
5. Which color do you like more, black or white?
6. Name your best friend.
7. What is your favorite number?
8. Do you like California or Florida more?
9. Do you like a Lake or the Ocean more?
When you're done, read the answers, duh!?!?!
1. This is the person you love.
2. If you choose:
Red- You tend to like Red more than Black, Green, Blue or Yellow.
Black- You tend to like Black more than Red, Green, Blue or Yellow.
Green- You tend to like Green more than Red, Black, Blue or Yellow.
Blue- You tend to like Blue more than Red, Black, Green or Yellow.
Yellow- You tend to like Yellow more than Red, Black, Blue or Green.
3. If you initial is
A-K You stood in the front of the lunch line, except when the teachers were stupid and made you line up backwards.
S-Z You stood at the end of the lunch line, except when the teachers got smart and let you line up backwards.
L-R You got screwed either way cause you never got out of the middle.
4. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: You have a birthday coming up in less than 365 days!!! Celebrate good times!
April- June: You also have a birthday coming up in less than 365 days, and I'm thinking you are probably going to get a present of some kind for that event.
July-Sep: Oh my goodness, you also have a birthday coming up in less than 365 days, and my guess is that you will probably bathe atleast once if not more before that time.
Oct-Dec: Unfortunately for you, you're birthday is coming up but it will probably be quite awhile, but no more than 365 days from today, hang in there skipper.
5. If you chose either you should know better.
6. This person is your best friend.
7. This is your favorite number.
8. If you chose:
California: Good for you
Florida: Good for you.
9. If you chose
Lake: Go jump in one! :) jk
Ocean: You like California more than Florida, or you like Florida more than California.
10:52 AM
> Ok, wait til you see your response to the month you were born!!!
A different slant to horoscopes. Be totally honest and you'll be surprised at the interesting results. Enjoy!!
Horoscope Test...
(If you are honest this tells the truth - )
Write your answers on a piece of paper. No cheating!! The answers are at the bottom of this page.
1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.
2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?
3. Your first initial?
4. Your month of birth?
5. Which color do you like more, black or white?
6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
7. Your favorite number?
8. Do you like California or Florida more?
9. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
When you're done, scroll down.
(Don't cheat)
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> > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
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> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
Answers
1. You are completely in love with this person.
2. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - you are conservative and aggressive.
Green - your soul is relaxed and you are laid back
Blue - you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow- you are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
3. If your initial is:
A-K You will have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
4. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
5. If you chose.....
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
6. This person is your best friend.
7. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
8. If you chose:
California: You like adventure.
Florida: You are a laid back person.
9. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
10:25 AM
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