This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Tuesday, February 25, 2003
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife in two days at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight.
He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
9:16 AM
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so f---n' easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The nternet-we wanted to know something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the f---n' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or get off to the lingere section of the JC Penney catalog! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!
With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what the fuck I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy!
You're spoiled, I swear, you guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!
1:02 PM
Thursday, February 13, 2003
Afghanistan TV Programming!
SUNDAY:
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Osama Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00 - The Kabul Hillbillies
MONDAY:
8:00 - Husseinfeld
8:30 - Mad About Everything
9:00 - Monday Night Stoning
12:00 - Win Bin Laden's Money
TUESDAY:
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
WEDNESDAY: -
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch
THURSDAY:
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black,Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
FRIDAY:
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No-Witness News
SATURDAY:
8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 - Whose Koran Is It Anyway ?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You ?
10:20 AM
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
What if the hokey pokey is what it's all about? ~Crystal Amaya~
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in...what happens to the other penny?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
9:47 AM
Friday, February 07, 2003
----- THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED!
1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you"
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing"
3. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
4. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
6. "Do I look like a people person?"
7. "This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting"
8. "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left"
9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose"
10. "Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control?"
11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
gone to sleep yet"
16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
21. "Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done."
22. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
23. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
24. "Earth is full. Go home."
25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
27. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
29. "If assholes could fly, this place would be a fucking airport."
11:16 AM
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