This is my collection of things I found amusing, anything from song lyrics to forwards, and maybe if ya look hard enough, ya might see one or two of my thoughts! Enjoy!
**Also** I hate forwarding email so this is a shortcut!
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Email me at www.jenicabeth@hotmail.com
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Forwards I found amusing!
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Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Man and wife are enjoying a quiet afternoon, when the wife (like most women) ponders a thought::::
WIFE :"What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND :"Definitely not!"
WIFE :"Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND :"Of course I do."
WIFE :"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND :"Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE :"You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND :(makes audible groan).
WIFE :"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND :"Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE :"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND :"That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE :"Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND :"No, she's left-handed."
WIFE :- - - silence - - -
HUSBAND :"Shit."
9:50 PM
Sunday, January 26, 2003
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy
sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around
the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking
to, goes back to the man
sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really
Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer,
jumps out the window,
flies around the building and comes back in the
window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that
again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the
window,
flies around the building and comes back in the
window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic
Beer,
so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of
what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps
out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body,
and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You
know, Superman,
you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
9:11 PM
Friday, January 24, 2003
John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the
preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way
downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in
antagonising the entire board of
directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his
face."
"He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," his wife said, "and he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
His wife replied, "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
2:55 PM
Thursday, January 23, 2003
Jeff Foxworthy on Colorado
+
1. You switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in one day.
2. You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.
3. Your sense of direction is; towards the mountains and away from the mountains.
4. You're a meat eating vegetarian.
5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer because you have the a/c on at 55 degrees.
7. You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.
8. You take your out of town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage but leave all doors unlocked.
10. You think the major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer.
11. You carry jumper cables in the car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
13. Driving is better in the winter cause the pot holes are filled with snow.
14. You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and construction".
15. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a team's victory.
16. You can never figure out why your out of town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains.
17. You can drive over a 12,000 foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.
18. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista.
19. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of beer and not get a buzz.
20. Your car insurance costs more than your car.
21. You have surge protectors on every outlet.
22. April showers bring May blizzards.
23. You see someone riding a Harley in a downpour, and you look closer to see if it's anyone you know.
24. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been. Many times.
25. You know what a 'Chinook' is.
26. You know what a 'Rocky Mountain oyster' is.
27. You know what a 'fourteener' is.
28. But you don't know what a 'turn signal' is.
29. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Democrat in Congress does.
30. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning-rod.
31. You know who Alferd Packer was.
32. You know! who Baby Doe Tabor was.
33. You know who Jim Beckworth was.
34. You'd be happier if you didn't know who Barbara Streisand was.
35. SPF 90 is not out of the question.
36. People from other states breathe 5 times as often as you do.
37. Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange.
38. Thunder has set off your car alarm.
39. You have an $800 stereo in a $300 truck.
40. A sudden loss of cabin pressure is not a big deal.
41. You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.
42. "Where we're going, we don't need roads!!"
43. You know where Doc Holliday's grave is.
44. You know where Buffalo Bill's grave is.
45. You know where the real 'South Park' is.
46. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight.
47. Driving directions usually include 'Go over ____ Pass...'
48. You've used 'checking for ticks' as an excuse to get someone naked.
49. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka.
50. You've gone skiing in July.
51. You've gone sunbathing in January.
52. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could 'run into both oceans'.
53. You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that California and Texas are both downstream.
\\
6:44 PM
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
A big city, California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property,
and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
U.S., and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things in Iowa. We settle small disagreements like this
with the Iowa Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Iowa three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick
me three times, and so on, back an forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped
the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the
farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer
summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,
"Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
*************************
The Indian
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of
buffalo shit in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want
coffee.
"The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in
one gulp, picks up the bucket of shit, throws it into the air, blasts
it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one
hand and a bucket of shit in the other. He walks up to the counter
and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee.
"The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from
the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"?
The Indian says, "Me in training for government job.
Drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for rest of the day."
5:55 PM
Monday, January 06, 2003
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED\
I got this from an email and I think it's kind of funny.
I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge
boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others -- they are
more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking
long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is
at first, the passion fades, and there
had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go
away.
9:31 AM
Friday, January 03, 2003
Pink
Just Like A Pill
Lying here on the floor where you left
me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun
I can't stay on your life support
There's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine
'Cause it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But she's being a little bitch
I'll think I'll get out of here
Where I can run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of making me better
You keep making me ill
You keep making me ill
I haven't moved from the spot where
you left me
It must be a bad trip
All of the other pills were different
Maybe I should get some help
I can't stay on your life support
There's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine
'Cause it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse
again
But she's being a little bitch
I'll think I'll get out of here
Where I can run just as fast as I
can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated
fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of making me better
You keep making me ill
You keep making me ill
9:05 AM
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